Still a Quitter

I used to smoke. I smoked for almost 10 glorious years. I really liked smoking. I liked the buzz it gave me, how it gave me something to do with my hands (now I just pick at my cuticles, yuck) and how it gave me a way to fit in with new people when in an uncomfortable social situation. I liked having a cigarette when I had finished something, or was making a plan to do something. I liked the escape it gave me when I just did not want to be somewhere anymore, I could "go for a smoke". I liked lighters, in the many beautiful colours, and I liked the size of the package and how it fit in my purse just right beside my wallet. I especially liked sitting outside on a hot summer day, and having a cold drink and a cigarette.

I quit smoking over 2 years ago. I quit mostly because I was pretty sick with my Crohn's disease, and wanted to get better. I figured that filling my lungs with toxins was a pretty stupid thing to do if I expected my body to heal. There were other reasons, the usual stuff, like setting a good example for my daughter, saving money, and so on, but the Crohn's was the main one. I am glad that I quit, it was very hard to do, and I am proud that I have not had a smoke in over 2 years.

However. I really want to still be a smoker. I have these dreams where I am having a cigarette. I wake up, and I am so happy, I want to jump out of bed and have another. But then I realize that it was just a wonderful dream, and really, I should not go and sneak a cigarette from my husbands pack.

The thing is, my Crohn's never did get better, smoking or not. It was really a let down. The only upside to it all is that my Doctor gave me steroids which are really great drugs. I must say that I quite liked them, and after my prescribed doseage was over (a sad sad day) I was in serious danger of hanging outside of gyms to shake down the bodybuilders and steal their stashes.

Why, oh why do I enjoy chemical stimulants so much??? It is not fair. I am looking forward to delivering this child and maybe trying out some morphine. Just a bit. To take the edge off, you know.

Still, I am a quitter. And even though I do not like it, I am proud of myself.